How to Hold on to Faith Along the Tender Path of Infertility Struggles
Infertility is not a regular topic of discussion on my blog, but finding hope during difficult, and often heartbreaking, seasons definitely is. I wanted my lovely friend, Seneca Epley, to share her journey here because even if you haven’t faced this particular pain, the beautiful faith that God has grown in her is an example to all of us—no matter what we face. If you’re in the middle of an impossibly hard circumstance or season, I pray that you’re encouraged by her story today. You can find out more about her, and how to connect with her at the end of this post.
Sitting in an emergency room, 750 miles from home I held the hand of my husband, stared him in the eyes and repeated, “I can’t believe this is happening.” Hours earlier I sat on a hotel bathroom floor begging Jesus to please save my baby. I was nearly 13 weeks pregnant.
Our road to having kids may be different from yours. We struggled with infertility for four years before conceiving our daughter through in vitro fertilization (IVF). My pregnancy and delivery was uneventful. With no complications or scares, she was the picture of health. All of which I now know I took for granted and didn’t thank God enough for.
On Cloud 9 with our one-year-old daughter, we decided to start the IVF process again but this time transferring our frozen embryos. July 2019 was the first time I heard the word miscarriage. Then again in October 2019, and again in August 2020. My heart shattered, my faith shaken, and my hope to grow my family gone.
Miscarriage plants a seed of doubt leading you to question God’s goodness. My last miscarriage sunk me into a dark place. I couldn’t bear to see pregnancy announcements, pregnant women, etc. Why was He answering everyone else’s prayers but mine?
Because He still had work to do in me…
“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
If you enter this place of darkness, it’s easy to sit sulking in the pain. I easily could’ve stayed in that state but thankfully didn’t. When I didn’t know what else to do and I realized running from Him was getting me nowhere, I started praying, asking God to restore my soul, my joy, and my outlook on life.
In the time between then and now, much has changed. My focus shifted from, “God, why are you punishing me?” to “What are you working in me during this season?” What I was experiencing wasn’t about me. It was God using me to further his kingdom with new empathy, experiences, and ultimately a powerful testimony.
These are a few of the valuable things I’ve learned:
I’ve learned the importance of having a close inner circle of friends as a support system and prayer warriors.
I’ve learned to recognize the Holy Spirit speaking to me through different outlets.
I’ve learned the enemy loves to attack my biggest weakness – fear.
I’ve learned the importance of memorizing scripture to pray on and keep as a weapon against enemy attacks.
I’ve learned that God is good and a miracle worker.
Let’s just sit on that. God works miracles. He answers prayers. I know some of you need to hear that. For the longest time, I didn’t understand why God wasn’t answering my prayers. In 2020, I asked God to take away my deep yearning to have more biological kids—to be content with just one. God didn’t answer that prayer and I’m glad he didn’t. Instead, He chose to mold and shape me as I waited.
“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”
Think about the prayer you’ve been praying that isn’t getting answered. Waiting for an answer is excruciating, but we have to lean into the fact that His ways are higher than ours. We simply cannot understand His ways with our finite minds.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Fast forward to March of 2021. After much prayer (and convincing by my husband), we decided to do another IVF round. This time felt different, though. My faith was shaped in a way that I knew, no matter what happened, it was the will of God for our family. I had to trust Jesus with my scarred heart from the brokenness I had experienced.
On June 1, 2021, I found out I was pregnant with our miracle rainbow baby. We were overjoyed but cautious as we knew we had a long road ahead til the baby was in our arms.
The verse I glued to my heart before we started this IVF cycle was John 16:33, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” Little did I know I’d be sitting in an emergency room on the way to our family vacation crying out to Jesus to save my baby. Little did I know I’d be told my baby has a chance of heart and kidney defects, Down Syndrome, and failure to thrive. Little did I know that I’d be told I’m at risk for a premature birth.
But God did.
He has been preparing me for this very moment. Fully armored, ready to fight the enemy who knows fear is my biggest threat. Ready to trust Him, because I know that He works for the good of those who love him.
“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
And yes, Jesus saved my baby boy that night in the emergency room and has continued to answer prayers. Praise be to God!
Meet Seneca
Seneca Epley is a farmer's wife and stay-at-home mom. With a creative heart, she works as a professional photographer and editor part-time and finds joy in channeling her inner Joanna Gaines. She loves gardening, anything chocolate, family time, and Jesus! She'd love to connect with anyone battling infertility to give support, encouragement, and insight. You can connect with her on Instagram or Facebook.
