The Post I Didn't Want to Write

It’s been hard to breathe the past couple of weeks. And it’s not because of my harvest-induced allergies (although that hasn’t helped). I can sum it up for you in one hideous word.

Anxiety.

I thought I’d kicked it. Left it behind. Buried it deep in my empty Xanax bottles and memories of India. Well, I’ve been dredging up some of those memories in the book I’m writing and my old companion, anxiety, has tagged along as an uninvited guest.

Yuck!

Last week I was a total wreck, crying in my car outside of my daughter's dance studio, because I was obviously failing at life (crying in my car outside of my daughter's dance studio being Exhibit A in my case for failure--clearly not something a mom who's killing it would be doing). My husband had the pleasure of providing damage control and kleenex (because he does not do snot).

He happened to call when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and, hearing my tears, insisted that we meet for a hug--asap. As he stood with his arms around me, assuring me that I don’t stink at life, he took one of my hands and started waltzing me around the room. Strange. I know. But as we twirled together he reminded me, with a silly grin on his face, that “Something good is coming. You know that, right? Whenever things are bad, it means something good is on the other side.”

He's right, I know this in my head. I’ve experienced it too many times to doubt it. Good things really do come after tough battles. But when my heart is thumping harder than a kick drum at a rock concert my memory gets really fuzzy, and anxiety starts calling all the shots.

I didn’t want to write about this today (or any day, really). I wanted to just write an Honest Book Review and pretend like everything is great. And if I had to write about this, then I definitely wanted to wait until my good thing had already happened so I could write a tidy little post (to encourage you, of course) that said, "I was seriously messed up, but then this amazing thing happened and it was all worth it." But I can't do that. I'm still waiting. But I know it's coming (whatever it is). And it is going to be worth all the trouble. And sometimes I just have to keep telling myself this. Over and over.

All this inner turmoil made me think about you, dear reader. And I wondered if maybe you relate to how I’ve been feeling? And if so, I want you to know you’re not alone.

Because feeling like you’re alone is the worst. It feels the worst, and it is the worst. But don’t isolate yourself. I know the struggle is real, and you want to hole up somewhere and quit. Because you’re tired and exhausted thinking about all of your days stretching out in front of you, convinced that each one is just going to be more of the same. But they won’t. If you can’t believe me, you’re just going to have to trust me.

Keep fighting, fierce warrior. Because the sweetest victories really do come after the ugliest battles. Anxiety doesn’t have to write your story—or mine. Jesus is a much better author than anxiety will ever be.

So, if that’s you, struggling with anxiety and overwhelmed with the thought of another day (or even another minute), here’s what I want you to do:

Do something today (right now!) that makes you happy. I started putting up my Christmas decorations yesterday (I know, I really am crazy). But it makes me happy. And find someone who can give you a hug and a listening ear. Even if you’re a staunch loner or not much of a hugger. Truthfully, I’m not much of a hugger either. I’m an awkward embracer with all but my closest friends and family members. But I promise you’ll be glad you did. It probably won't fix everything instantly, but it's way better than walking through anxiety alone. Take it from someone who knows.

So what are you waiting for? Go call that friend!