Abandoned

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I’ve started a new blog at www.droppingtheact.com. Check it out for the latest content.

Looking back, the path that led me to anxiety and depression was not a straight one. It was more like stacking an impossibly high tower of blocks, each block representing a different aspect of my life in India, that was bound to topple as each new and overwhelming experience was piled on.

(You’re about to learn more about me than you probably care to know, but…) I’m an introvert, who can tend to spend way too much time inside my own head.  I also have an empathetic spirit, but I don’t like to show my emotions.  So I tend to take difficult, sad things and internalize them.  That turned out to be a devastating combination, spelling big trouble for me in India where nearly every place I looked was full of extreme poverty and need.

I would walk or ride down the street only to have a never-ending stream of dusty hands reaching out, begging, for a few rupees or something to fill their hungry stomachs.  Tin shacks, lining the streets, gave little protection from the elements.  Everywhere I looked a desperate face peered back.

Faced, for the first time in my life, with such destitution and hopelessness an ugly question started to creep into my soul.  God, if you’re good, why do so many people suffer so terribly day after day with little hope of seeing anything change?  It was the first time I had ever really allowed myself to question my beliefs, but, faced with my new reality, it was unavoidable.  I had to know the answer.

That seemed to open up a gauntlet, and as my personal struggle with anxiety and depression worsened, with panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, I began to feel abandoned by God.  I moved from questioning God’s goodness to doubting that he was good at all.  And then I got really angry…

(To be continued tomorrow…)

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2 thoughts on “Abandoned

  1. Lauren

    I’m having such a hard time following this thread and I’m desperate to know what happened next! I, too, am an introvert and struggle with spending too much time in my own head. I found your blog through the link in your comment on the article by Sheila Walsh “How to Trust God with Disappointment.” It’s a relief to know there are others that struggle the same way I do and wrestle with the same old questions that seem to cycle back into my life. Can you tell me how to follow your story in sequential order? I don’t see the “missions tab on the left” and the blog posts under Holy Doubt don’t seem to finish this story. Please help! And thank you for your honesty. It’s encouraging. 🙂

    • Hi Lauren, it does help so much to know that others have walked the same path you’re on and have found some hope. I’m glad my story is encouraging to you 🙂 So sorry about the confusion, when I started the blog I had it divided into “ministry” and “missions” but I recently changed it so that now all the stories that are related to the article you read are under the “holy doubt” tab. If it seems out of order and confusing you may be in the middle of the thread rather than the beginning? Try clicking on the “holy doubt” tab and scrolling to the very bottom for the oldest post and reading backwards 🙂 I hope that helps! Let me know if it still doesn’t make sense.

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